She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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