I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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