I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
