if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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