Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
