I wish I could teleport
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
