Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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