you guys were way drunker than both of me
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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