are you so shy because you have an std?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
