Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
