Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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