I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
