he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
