I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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