why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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