In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
