How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
