Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
