I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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