im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
