im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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