I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
