An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
