Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
