did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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