All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
