yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
