I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
