I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
