I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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