my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Randomize
