and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
