when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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