Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize