dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
