sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
