Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
