Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
