I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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