Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
