The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
