Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
