Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Come share oat with me in your robe
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
