He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
