is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
