i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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