I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
