I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
