Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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