the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You are the jesus of drinking
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
