I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
