Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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