Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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