Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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