You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
