Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
well you can't waste a boner
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
