so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize